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5 Ripcords for the Holidays



As the year is coming to a close, let's take a minute and reflect on the friendships developed or sustained throughout 2023. Specifically, think about your wook friends. Think about the bummed joints, the borrowed money, the places to crash, and the food you have provided for wooks out there. How many grungy cargo pants or ratty t-shirts did you have to put up with? Remember the hours spent post-show finding their lost ass?


What do you get that wook for the holidays?


Send them one of these classic ripcords. Nothing says fuck you in a friendly way like a solid ripcord. You can picture it now. Your wook friend reading your text, happy because you remembered them outside of tour season. A text that simply reads, "Just heard this jam, and it reminded me of you," followed by your ripcord of choice. They press play on the jam, and just as they are getting into it...BAM. Over. New song. They are left confused and wondering why.


So, without further ado, I present our 2023 w+ ripcords for friendship.

 

Ghost - 8/17/11

Chicago, IL

This Ghost doesn't even get a chance to go anywhere before Trey says fuck this, we're playing Markasupa Policeman instead. This ripcord is guaranteed to ruin your friend's day. This ripcord works best sent with the following text:

"Good morning, friend. This Ghost is perfect to go with your morning coffee."

Ideally, your friend will press play on this tune as their coffee is brewing, resulting in the ripcord hitting before the caffeine kicks in.

 

Tweezer - 07/08/14

Philadelphia, PA

Nothing says hey, remember that time you were spun and puked in my car? We'll I remember, and this Tweezer is for you. But you have to be subtle about it during the delivery to get the most impact. If executed properly, you could even recoup some of your detailing expenses back. The dream scenario would play out like this:

You: "Omg, this Tweezer reminds me of that time in Atlantic City when you had shrooms and acid."

Them: That night was intense; I can't believe I puked in your car.

You: "Yeah, you still owe me $420 for the detailing"

Them: "Check your Venmo. I just sent you some, and I'll get the rest later."

You: *Checks Venmo. Sees $20 transfer."

 

Down With Disease - 12/31/18

New York City, NY

Clocking in at almost 18 minutes, this ripcord is devious. It sounds like Mike is about to use the ambient space in this Down with Disease jam when suddenly Trey launches into "Welcome the is a Farmhouse." If you had a Venn diagram of your friends that can be assholes and friends who hate Farmhouse, there would be some serious overlap. Send all of those friends this ripcord. In fact, send it along with a New Year's greeting. Perhaps something simple yet effective like this:

"Happy New Year! Enjoy this DWD."

Don't even hint anything about the song to them. They probably forgot this exists, if we're being honest.

 

Stash - 11/23/97

Winston-Salem, NC

This ripcord is for the 3.0 and 4.0 phans out there who have to constantly hear how great Phish was in the 90s from their friends who saw Phish 1.0. The fact that this ripcord is from the sacred year of '97 makes it even better. Send a text to them with pure passive-aggressive sarcasm to accompany this disaster of a transition. Your Gen-X friend will automatically think you've seen the light and will probably reply with a hell yeah before following up with a wtf.

 

Light - 06/22/10

Mansfield, MA

Ahhhh, good ol' 2010. The joy of the band reuniting had finally worn off, and phans could get back to what they really loved doing about Phish: complaining. With Festivus season upon us, this ripcord from 2010 will get the main point across to your wook friend: "I got a lotta problems with you...now you're gonna hear about them." Honestly, any ripcord from 2010 would do the trick. In fact, this ripcord would be the least surprising as no one looks forward to relistening to a show from that year. So it's best to follow this up with the airing of grievances quickly, as your wook friend will likely not even listen to this ripcord.

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