Tour starts tomorrow, and there are going to be all sorts of Phans out there. That's the beauty of our community. No two people experience Phish the same way. Just look at the different beautiful ways we all act at shows. Some of us stand and sway, silent judging the flubs the band makes while others dance their hearts out. Yes, some people sing along at shows, and unfortunately, some of us clap offbeat.
Even though these things can be minor annoyances, it's important to remember all Phans have flaws. You are probably too tall for the person standing behind you or something else that can't be helped. Phans are the worst and the best. We are the people yelling about how great this jam is in the middle of the jam. We are the ones accidentally bumping into each while dancing because the music moves us so much. But we are also the only ones on Earth who care this much about this music. That's the beauty of it. How boring would a Phish show be if we all experienced the band's music in the same way?
Luckily for us fans, Phish's catalog is just as vast and different as we are. We are all drawn to different Phish songs, but strangely similar fans have the same favorite song. I can't explain it; I have just noticed it. Listed below are just some examples. Of course, this isn't supposed to be all-encompassing or even accurate for that fact. It's all in fun, having a bit of jest with the community I love so dearly. So please leave a comment. Let us know your favorite Phish song and tell us what we got wrong or what song we missed.
You LOVED Phish in college. It was your entire life outside of the classes you barely passed. It doesn’t matter now, though, because your mid-level corporate career can fund your music habits which is still your entire life outside of work. The most crucial thing in your life is that Phish and work never cross because you don’t want to explain Gamehendge in a PowerPoint to coworkers.
Punch You in the Eye
Your friends jokingly call you the wildcard and don’t realize it’s not really a joke at this point. You’re the reason everyone brings cheap beer and brick weed to the lot. Your night goes one of two ways: you either pass out during the first slower song or you find a coke connection and go off the rails.
It doesn’t matter when or where you hear this song; you will always send the Fishman thrusting gif to the random hairy dude you met back on the lot in 2016. The new owner of the number doesn’t like this and blocked your number a few Wolfmans ago. Enjoy texting into the void.
Everyone in your life knows you like weed. You moved to a legal state as soon as you were able, and you’re still trying to get a job with a dispensary. You have an extensive spreadsheet of each strain you’ve tried, and it’s the only organized thing in your life.
Despite not being able to use your fine arts degree for anything, you are moderately happy with your job. It’s low-stress and pays well enough you can mimic Mike’s fashion and still afford to see art house films. You exclusively pick up dates at your local coffee shop.
Say to Me SANTOS
One time at a show, you yelled "Oh my god, they’re playing my favorite song right now" at the beginning of SANTOS, but you thought it was Ghost. Now your friends won’t let you live it down. They find a way to bring it into every Phish conversation. At this point, you’ve come to terms with the fact that this is your favorite song now, no matter how you feel.
Kill Devil Falls
You’ve had your fun and done your drugs; now you’re just learning to enjoy life without being inebriated. Years ago, you agreed with your partner that you’d tone it down, but occasionally, you still have a little fun. Although you make sure to go to bed after the encore because you’re old now, and sleep is the only thing getting you through a 3-day run.
The communal feel of the Sigma Oasis listening party is one of the few fond memories you have of quarantine. You discovered a Phish community online during this time, and now you attend shows more for meeting online friends than you do for the band. You are perfectly content with this, though, because despite seemingly everyone forgetting about quarantine, you still remember the loneliness and cherish the opportunity to see people and dance again.
Split Open and Melt
You read three headlines and half an article about microdosing, which changed your life. Connecting with a mushroom grower in Dick’s lot in ‘21 provided you with a free hookup in exchange for finding buyers on Instagram. Many of your friends have stopped hanging out with you because microdosing has consumed your life, but they are too nice to say you are annoying. Yet you don’t realize it’s ghosting. The shrooms are having you believe things are coming into focus and your distractions our dropping away. Somehow you now spend your time talking to fungi and explaining how we are all drones in this world, and no one can notice except you.
Slave to the Traffic Light
Corporate America funds your tour when middle management approves your PTO. You’re often confused for a narc on the lot, so you always offer to do your accusers drugs to prove you are, in fact, not a narc. Once you found out that’ll get you free doses, you stopped worrying about your looks. Now you just enjoy those blissful peaks as Trey sings about your everyday life, and you escape it for a few moments.
Love and Light are the names of your left and right fists, and they are always vibrating. You don’t start trouble per se, but you can’t help that you’re an agent of chaos. One minute you’re raging, and the next, you’re telling the stranger next to you to shut the fuck up when they start complaining about Fishman samples. They begin to argue back but notice your batshit crazy eyes and think better of it.
You Enjoy Myself
A tried and true 1.0er, you can’t believe this isn’t everyone’s favorite song. You question why you still go to shows with the increases in ticket prices, hotel costs, and balloons. It hardly seems worth it. The '90s are long over but it feels like yesterday to you, and for those few brief moments somewhere inside a vocal jam, it’s still the '90s. A peacefulness comes over you until the noob within earshot asks what is this?
Democracy will probably be a distant memory of your generation, but at least you got this stoner classic right when you were coming of age, and the world was falling apart. Hell, you’re not really even a phan; this song just reminds you of better times. Just between us, we know you love Goose. You don’t have to tell us.
Too young to be a Gen Xer and too old to be a Millennial, you secretly consider yourself part of the cowfunk generation. You discovered Phish at its peak, and now it’s all about appreciating the music. You and your friends from that first tour still get together and see the boys when they roll through town. Other Phans don’t get it like those who were introduced to Phish during the ‘97 tour get it. 1.0ers are too old and 2.0ers too young.
It’s all Jager on a lot and bitching about there being too many IPAs in the cooler until someone hands you a white claw and opens your Twitter feed for you. Thankfully, you shit post quietly so the rest of your crew can pregame in peace. You'll wake up in the lot three songs into the first set, wondering where everyone went.
All the drugs are okay in your book; interactions be damned. You have nothing down to a science yet despite having a triple-digit show count. At the end of the night, you are the person everyone is going to be looking for, and somehow you'll already be halfway back to the house with a different crew that you invited over for an after-party.
You are one of those rare people who can make inappropriate stuff funny. Your ability to make those around you laugh is unmatched. But personally, it feels like you are faaaaaallllllllllng into a deep well.
As a proud 2.0 kid, you were devastated and lost when 2.0 came to a close. In the break, you left the jamband scene for the emerging hipster scene and poured all the love you had for the band into irony. Now that the band’s back together, you can’t let go of your cold ironic heart, and you must love the most well-known obscure Phish songs to maintain your indie cred while vibrating with love and light.
A natural-born ball of disco energy, you dress up in a different sparkly outfit every show. The infectious energy and random candies you bring covering up what’s really going on inside the food for the lot made you gassy. Luckily for you, by the time it’s smelt, you have moved on to giving out candies to the next crew while the guy with the biggest beard gets blamed for your toots.
Hands down, this is your favorite Phish song. It's always your 2nd favorite song that changes. All sports are watched muted at your house so music can play, and the last new show you saw was Seinfeld, and you spent both hiatuses dealing with life shit. Just being on tour and hearing new Phish is good enough for you. While everyone else is arguing, you’re high fondly remembering when you were tipsy, fuddled, boozy, and groggy.
Now there are three types of Llama fans OG Llama only, Slow Llama only, and any Llama will do. Personally, you can’t stand Slow Llama, and given the option, you’d rather the band shelve the song than play Slow Llama again. Nothing is made like it used to be; time has ruined everything you’ve ever loved. Here’s a list of things that you still have passionate opinions about
Rock has died since grunge.
Windows XP should still be used today.
Still will complain that gas isn’t under a dollar despite that happening last century.
Machine Gun Trey is the best Trey
Your partner thanks you for taking the time to ensure they finish too. Slow Llama is a metaphor for how you adapt to life changes. This comes in handy as you are about to change jobs again, and this time the fitness routine is sticking too.
TABOOT TABOOT 24/7.
A weird little Excel genius, you have extensively charted, and data mined all your stats since you first started seeing Phish while working on your (insert boring programs like economics or math) degree. Everything in your life is just so, and no detail is too small. This is why your Ted Talk, Why Phish Should Never Play Guyute Again, was over 3 hours, not counting the bonus worst flubs of 3.0 slideshow you put together.
My Friend, My Friend
You’re a dream friend that insists on paying for not only the first round but the second one too. You want them tipsy so you can ask them to help you move from your ex's house to a sad studio apartment. But you sell it as being there for the beginning of a new chapter.